No-Praying from Issue 89
CHARACTERS:
Heddie Late thirties. White.
Agatha A little older. Black.
Mantis Distinguished, undetermined age. Green.
Music: Yo-Yo Ma, Bach’s Cello Suite #1 in G. An upscale neighborhood diner, Riff’s on the Plaza. Two tables with linen cloths and settings. Heddie and Agatha sit with salads and glasses of white wine. A sign on the wall says, “No Praying.”
HEDDIE
I don’t know—how should I know? And I thought we were talking about Richard’s plumbing fiasco.
AGATHA
Sorry, but I heard you were here for the meeting.
HEDDIE
I was here, but I wasn’t part of it, I was heeeeere, so big wow, crucify me—
AGATHA (overlap)
Oh come on, I have no / intention.
HEDDIE (overlap)
I was here, at Riff’s, for the meeting, ooooooo/ooo— (Waves hands, mildly dramatic.)
AGATHA
Heddie.
HEDDIE
Arrrrrgathaaaaaa.
AGATHA
Hate it when you do that.
HEDDIE
It’s Agatha with an arrrgh.
AGATHA
Yes, like I’m some grumbling, grousing—
HEDDIE
—insulting, insinuating.
AGATHA
I’m not insinuating anything, / I’m just—
HEDDIE (overlap)
I was invited.
AGATHA
Invited? Oh, well now I’m insulted.
HEDDIE
What’s insulting about that?
AGATHA
Well I have far more Evangelical potential than you do.
HEDDIE
What?
AGATHA
I’m black; we pride ourselves on our spiritual excess.
HEDDIE
Yes, well that hardly competes with uptight, needy white—
AGATHA
—true—
HEDDIE
—which I’m not. And it wasn’t an Evangelical meeting anyway.
AGATHA
Sounds like one.
HEDDIE
No, the lesser Christians were also here. (whispers) It was apparently a meeting to discuss possible sanctions against Riff’s on the Plaza.
AGATHA
Was Stella Jacobs here?
HEDDIE
Yes.
AGATHA
Then it was definitely Evangelical. That woman is dumber than a sack of sandals.
HEDDIE
And Miranda Thomas, Sissy Hector, Robert Tenant, Barbara and David Mendenhall, old Mrs. Brindle, Alice Riesling—
AGATHA (muttering)
—Alice full of malice—
HEDDIE
—and Ben was here.
AGATHA
Ben was here? My Ben was here for the meeting?
HEDDIE
Hardly your Ben. He’s 18.
AGATHA
Was he working?
HEDDIE
No, he was invited.
AGATHA
Hunh.
HEDDIE
You’ve got a little thing for him, don’t you?
AGATHA (coy)
Do you know what he said to me?
HEDDIE
“Good morning, would you like a menu?”
AGATHA (flattered)
He said I reminded him of his mother.
HEDDIE (flat)
Oh, the foreplay of it all. Now, of course, you realize Ben’s white?
AGATHA
So?
HEDDIE
Nothing. Just so you know you’re being compared to a woman who likes Kenny Rogers and has seen Eat Pray Love.
AGATHA
He always gets a nice tip.
HEDDIE (whispers)
Well, he was here. So he essentially came out in opposition to Riff’s.
AGATHA
He’s young. He’s a nice churchgoing boy. And I agree with him.
HEDDIE
You do not.
AGATHA
I think people should be able to pray if they want. I don’t pray—my knees are incompatible with reverence—but still.
HEDDIE
But still.
AGATHA
I think there are great benefits to spiritual beliefs.
HEDDIE
Do you have spiritual beliefs?
AGATHA
Of course I do.
HEDDIE
And they would be?
AGATHA
Well…be kind, and then die.
HEDDIE
That’s not spiritual, that’s behavioral.
AGATHA
It’s good behavioral, so it’s sorta-kinda spiritual.
HEDDIE
Oh really? Is good behavior sorta-kinda exclusionary? Is good behavioral sorta-kinda consigning everyone else to burn and bleed in hell?
AGATHA
You go to church.
HEDDIE
Richard goes to church, I go along. Richard asked me to represent us at the meeting since he had a job, and that’s why I was here, okay?
AGATHA
Don’t they know you’re a…you know?
HEDDIE
A “you know”?
AGATHA
You know, a non-believer?
HEDDIE
Oh Agatha, I just hate that word—
AGATHA
—it’s two words and a hyphen—
HEDDIE
Non-believer sounds like a rejection of belief. It sounds like I acknowledge god—
AGATHA
—or gods—
HEDDIE
—or gods and I have therefore chosen not to believe. God or Gods don’t exist, Arrrgatha, ipso-facto-nada-negatory. I’m not a non-believer if something doesn’t exist. Do you say I’m a “non-believer” in six-foot insects? Or ice cream that talks, or sofas that pole-vault? No, you don’t.
AGATHA
Fiiine. Then what are you?
HEDDIE
People who embrace god—
AGATHA & HEDDIE
—or gods—
HEDDIE
—are theists. I, therefore, am an atheist. “A” short for “anti”—as in not, as in not a theist. And you?
AGATHA
I don’t know.
HEDDIE
Ahhh, the resounding wishy-washy credo of the agnostic.
AGATHA
I’m not wishy-washy. I’m non-committal.
HEDDIE
Another two words and a hyphen.
AGATHA
Wishy-washy is not the same as non-committal.
HEDDIE
How many agnostics does it take to screw in a light bulb?
AGATHA
I don’t know.
HEDDIE
Exactly.
AGATHA
I view it as humility. I will not presume, like you—
HEDDIE
—them, not me, “you will not presume like them”—
AGATHA
—or them to answer the big question.
HEDDIE
Exactly my point, what question? There IS no question.
AGATHA
Well, fine—anyway, I can’t believe you of all people were at that meeting.
HEDDIE
I’m a spy for the damned.
AGATHA
Richard is hardly the damned. He’s in church every Sunday. Richard—
HEDDIE
—is totally damned. Richard is worse than me. Richard fakes it.
AGATHA
He fakes what?
HEDDIE
Agatha, you can’t be a plumber and come out as an atheist.
AGATHA
What? Don’t be ridiculous.
HEDDIE
These people actually believe the devil can access their homes through the septic tank.
AGATHA
Oh, come on.
HEDDIE
Why do you think Miranda Thomas always taps on the bathroom door and chirps “Flush twice for god”?
AGATHA
I just thought she was a germ-o-phobe.
HEDDIE
And that’s why Ben was here.
AGATHA
Well, he’s a waiter. He should be a germ-o-phobe.
HEDDIE
Like Richard, Ben feels he needs to be a Christian.
AGATHA
Well, that’s probably for better tips.
HEDDIE
That and he wants to go into the military, which these days is just a huge church with guns, tanks, and airplanes.
AGATHA
Well, regardless, I still feel everyone has a right to pray when and where he or she wants to.
HEDDIE
If he or she just would just do it without all the hoopla, if he or she / would just—
AGATHA (overlap)
What hoopla?
HEDDIE
Well, that’s why the sign went up. The Mendenhalls were in here, and so were the Humphreys and Old Lady Brindle, and they held hands across two tables and an aisle, and Ben had to just stand there with three coffees and four pancake specials.
AGATHA
That was it?
HEDDIE
God got praised, pancakes got cold, customers got angry, and ta-da—it’s the crusades.
AGATHA (references the sign)
Can’t be good for business.
HEDDIE (mouth full)
We got our salads quicker.
AGATHA
Hmmm. (Eats. Beat.) Sooooo what happened at the meeting?
HEDDIE
Well it started with a group prayer—
AGATHA
—hardly surprising—
HEDDIE
—or what they call a group prayer; it’s more like God gossip. “Please save Franklin from cheating on his wife, please save Janet from dressing like a whore, please save Millie Hampton from being a Democrat”—
AGATHA
Not really.
HEDDIE
Yes, really. Then Riff refused to serve them. So Ben tried to at least get them coffee, and so Riff fired him.
AGATHA
Really?
HEDDIE
And now Ben has achieved unemployed martyrdom and suburban sainthood, and the diner is being boycotted.
AGATHA
Well, I don’t know if I want to come in here anymore if Ben isn’t—
HEDDIE (looks off)
Actually, he said he’d stop by and share news of the little strip mall holy war…
(sees someone approaching)
Oh dear, here comes a problem.
AGATHA
Ben?
HEDDIE (whisper)
No, shh.
AGATHA (whisper)
Is it Alice, it’s not Alice is it?—She’s always calling and I don’t pick up; she’s like this droning robo-call of piety and / platitudes—
HEDDIE (overlap)
It’s not Alice. Don’t turn around. This is going to be very awkward. Shhh.
(They eat. Music: Yo-Yo Ma interlude as:
A large Praying Mantis enters the restaurant; looks around, comes to a table and sits. After a moment, the Mantis goes into a praying pose.)
HEDDIE (whisper)
Somehow you just knew he was going to do that.
AGATHA (whisper)
What should we do?
HEDDIE (whisper)
I don’t know.
AGATHA (whisper)
Maybe he didn’t see the sign.
HEDDIE (whisper)
Then I think I should make him aware of—
AGATHA (whispers)
Heddie.
HEDDIE (whispers)
Agatha.
AGATHA (whispers)
It’s Riff’s problem. It’s not our / business.
HEDDIE (overlap)
Excuse me—
AGATHA (to herself)
—here we go—
HEDDIE
—excuse me. Just thought you should be aware.
(She gestures toward the sign. The Mantis glances at the sign. Then goes back to his pose.)
I’m sorry, but that’s not allowed in here.
AGATHA
(whispers under her breath, sing-songy)
Let it goooo-oh.
HEDDIE (whispers)
Well, he’s just ignoring it.
AGATHA (whispers)
He’s not holding hands across the aisle or anything, so what’s it matter?
HEDDIE (whispers)
It is Riff’s intention that—
AGATHA (whispers)
It is Riff’s intention that people eat without bothering others. That’s why he put up the sign.
HEDDIE (whispers)
The sign says “No Praying.” It doesn’t say anything about bothering others. (to Mantis) Excuse me—
AGATHA (overlap)
—Heddie—
HEDDIE
—excuse me, Sir. You’re not allowed to do that in here. You’re not allowed to pray.
MANTIS
What?
HEDDIE
The sign says no praying.
MANTIS
Yes, but praying is a very large part of who I am.
HEDDIE
But the sign’s very specific about praying, and I think if you are going to dine / here—
AGATHA (interrupting)
I’m sorry. We’re sorry. You see there’s been a lot of turmoil here lately about the issue of / praying, and—
HEDDIE (overlap)
And we’d just like to avoid further turmoil on / the subject, so if—
AGATHA (overlap)
And we realize it’s a large part of who you are, and I—both of us—empathize with you about that, don’t we—of course we do.
MANTIS
I’m merely giving thanks to my lord Jesus Christ.
AGATHA
Oh.
HEDDIE
Oh. Hunh.
MANTIS
Is that so strange?
HEDDIE & AGATHA (agreeing, sharing, etc.)
No, no. Of course not. Noooo. Not at all. No, never. Of course not.
(Beat)
AGATHA
But you’re a bug.
MANTIS
We prefer “insect.”
AGATHA
Of course.
MANTIS
More specifically, a praying mantis.
HEDDIE & AGATHA (sharing)
Sure. Of course. We knew. Of course. Praying. Mantis.
MANTIS
Even when I’m not praying, people assume I’m praying.
HEDDIE
But you were praying just then. You said you were.
MANTIS
But you wouldn’t know unless I told you.
AGATHA
He has a point, Heddie.
HEDDIE
Somehow that’s not fair. It’s like—it’s like if this is what I look like when I’m committing a hate crime, then I’m sort of always committing a hate crime while simultaneously never committing a hate crime.
AGATHA (half whisper)
That makes me a wee-bit uncomfortable.
HEDDIE
Sorry—not the best/ example.
MANTIS (overlap)
This one time, when I was much younger, I was cornering a cockroach and a friend came upon me and said—and I was in my normal pose, you see, this pose—and my friend said, “Are you praying for the cockroach’s soul?”, and I said, good lord, no, I’m just going to eat the little fucker.
AGATHA
That’s a touch harsh.
MANTIS
Well, it’s a cockroach, right?
AGATHA
Well, it’s still one of God’s creatures.
HEDDIE
God’s creatures?
AGATHA
Don’t get anxious, it’s just a turn of phrase.
HEDDIE
Well, I often call them little fuckers.
AGATHA
Heddie.
HEDDIE
Agatha. Really, if one crawled across the table right now—
AGATHA
That’s not going to happen—
HEDDIE
But if it did happen you would totally call it a little fucker—you’d say, “Someone kill that little fucker,” or “Get that little fucker out of here,” or “Look at that ugly little fucker.”
AGATHA
Riff keeps the place spotless; there are never any bugs in here. (to him) Sorry.
HEDDIE
(The Mantis has gone back to his pose.)
Oh, look he’s at it again. Well, that’s just. Hey. Sir, I’m sorry, but Riff is quite serious about this, there is no praying allowed in / here.
MANTIS (overlap, wry smile)
Ha. Gotcha.
HEDDIE
Oh, you mean you / weren’t—
AGATHA (overlap, mild laughing)
Well, that’s very tricky, very unusual—
HEDDIE (mild laughing)
You totally had me fooled.
MANTIS
So you see my dilemma.
HEDDIE
And you see the sign, so there’s a dilemma on both sides, right?
AGATHA
But one is just a rule, the other is, well, insect instinct.
HEDDIE
But perhaps while he’s in here, while he’s at Riff’s…you are a he, right?
MANTIS
Yes, you can tell by the longer antennae. And of course after sex I won’t bite anyone’s head off.
AGATHA
Well that’s a bit misogynistic.
MANTIS
Not really—after copulation our mates literally bite our heads off.
HEDDIE
It’s only figurative with us.
AGATHA
I assume you have a large population of proclaimed bachelors?
MANTIS
Oh no, when the female eats our head after sex, well, it’s for the greater good. I think you call it child support. It’s all a part of who we are. Like praying.
HEDDIE
Yes, and on that subject, what I was going to say was that while you’re in here, perhaps you could spread your arms (demonstrates clumsily) …well…out…to avoid the praying position.
MANTIS
Unlike your species, we don’t like presenting our thoraxes publicly.
HEDDIE
(assuming the insult, adjusting her neckline)
Yes, well, that’s a large part of who we are.
MANTIS
Sorry. I meant nothing by it.
HEDDIE (whispers to Agatha)
I don’t think I like him very much.
AGATHA (whisper)
Now calm down.
HEDDIE (whisper)
He’s as judgmental as the rest of them and not only is he in defiance of the sign, but all this talk of sexual cannibalism and then presuming to pay tribute to Jesus Christ.
AGATHA (whisper)
I think he’s a very nice bug.
HEDDIE (whisper)
He’s a bug that has insect aspirations, utilizing religion for some distorted proof of social prominence, just like Alice, just like the Mendenhalls. Next thing he’ll be canning fruit and holding bake sales for Jesus.
AGATHA (whisper, shaking her head “no”)
I think he’s a carnivore.
HEDDIE (whisper)
And all this praying and posing—(Imitating) “It’s a large part of who I am.”—you bug-eyed walking stick. If I just had a can of Raid or a big shoe.
AGATHA
(takes her napkin from her lap, puts it on table.)
All right, that’s it. I’m sorry, I can’t do this anymore.
HEDDIE
Can’t do what?
AGATHA
Heddie. I prayed.
HEDDIE
When?
AGATHA
While you were going on about Richard’s plumbing fiasco, I prayed to Jesus Christ our lord, and on top of that…I called him Savior. (Mantis listens in.)
HEDDIE
You did not.
AGATHA
I did.
HEDDIE
You deceitful bitch.
AGATHA
I know. I feel awful about it.
HEDDIE
Have you done this before?
AGATHA
Yes.
HEDDIE
When?
AGATHA
Usually when you’re in the lady’s room. Or sometimes before we even get here.
HEDDIE
You pray in my car?
AGATHA
And that time when you were choking on the Greek olive—
HEDDIE
—when Ben did the Heimlich thing—
AGATHA
—I prayed for Jesus to save you.
HEDDIE
Oh, fine. It’s not enough for Jesus to be your savior; you have to get me involved?
AGATHA
You stopped choking.
HEDDIE
Ben popped the olive out, Agatha. Does that make Ben Jesus? Is that how it works? Ben! Jesus-of-Plaza-Riff!
AGATHA
Don’t be silly.
HEDDIE
You prayed in my car!
MANTIS
It appears to be a large part of who she is.
HEDDIE
No no no, you are born that way, you come out of some cocoon or hive or are spawned by sea turtles as far as I know, but you are genetically predisposed to pray. WE don’t have spiky little paws that knee-jerk into reverence. WE make choices. And when we choose to invoke some urban legend about a dude named Jesus as our soul savior and moral GPS, then WE have made a choice worthy of a genetically predisposed-to-reverence bug!
MANTIS (beat)
Well, why don’t you just bite my head off?
HEDDIE
We don’t do that.
AGATHA (Disbelieving)
You don’t really do that, do you?
MANTIS
We are a cruel and violent genus. Perhaps that’s why we pray. Perhaps we are guilty of crimes so severe we need forgiveness of a special kind, so we invent that forgiveness. And consequently, there’s always the question: are we “praying” or are we “preying,” lulling you into our realm of ruse and reverence?
AGATHA
What sort of crimes are we talking about?
MANTIS
Mantis means prophet, spiritually calm and reverent—we all portray this demeanor as we hunt. As young parishioners, we perpetrate smaller crimes by befriending and devouring fleas and gnats. As we mature, we move on to greater crimes against nature: larger bugs, smaller rodents, and the cannibalization of each other. And when we grow very large—I’m referencing myself here—when we are in our greatest kinship to rapture—well…we eat people like Ben.
AGATHA
What?
MANTIS
Ben. I ate Ben.
AGATHA
You ate Ben?
HEDDIE
You ate Ben?
MANTIS
I ate Ben.
AGATHA
Oh my god. Oh god, no—he ate Ben? I…I think I’m going to be sick.
HEDDIE
My God. Why? Why did you eat Ben?
MANTIS
(beat) Hungry—simple as that.
AGATHA
Really, I’m going to be sick.
HEDDIE
But you said, “People like Ben.”
MANTIS
These in-vogue apostolates are so annoying.
AGATHA
What?
MANTIS
His praying was unnatural, completely postural, no purpose whatsoever.
AGATHA
Well, so is Richard’s—why didn’t you eat Richard!?
HEDDIE
Agatha!
MANTIS
Because of that sign and this little neighborhood crusade, Ben is beginning to believe in himself as a believer.
AGATHA
So that makes him worse than Richard?
MANTIS
Noooo, sorry, it’s about actual taste. Self-aggrandizing excretes an adrenaline that’s very similar to a marinade.
HEDDIE (burps a little)
Oh, I just threw up in my mouth.
AGATHA
Are you saying that you ate Ben just because you thought he’d taste good?!
MANTIS
I don’t understand the question. Now, if you’ll excuse me.
(He exhales, and assumes his praying pose.)
(Music: Yo-Yo Ma, Bach Cello Suite #1 in G.)
HEDDIE
Oh my god.
AGATHA
He ate Ben.
HEDDIE (beat)
He ate Ben.
AGATHA
And now he’s—
HEDDIE
—praying.
AGATHA (beat)
He’s praying.
HEDDIE
Or is he?
AGATHA
No, I think he’s definitely praying. For forgiveness. For eating Ben.
HEDDIE
But how can we tell?
AGATHA
He certainly appears to be praying. (rising) Should I check?
HEDDIE
No, stay away from him.
AGATHA
But, Heddie, how will we know? How will we ever know?
(Music rises. They sit perplexed. Lights fade.
End of play.)
Exerpt from A Geometric Digression of the Species from Issue 68
Characters:
Evelyn
Alez
Valet
Audence Member #1 (male)
Audience Member #2 (female)
Audience Memeber #3 (male)
Usher
Evening. An upscale restaurant. Alex and Evelyn are eating appetizers and sipping wine as they talk. There are other tables but no other patrons.
EVELYN: We were warned. We can’t say that we weren’t warned. And more than once.
ALEX: (overlap)
Time and time again.
EVELYN: A warning flashed with eat new heartbeat, everytime a woman’s water broke, or… or…
ALEX: A man’s condom.
EVELYN: Exactly. Every time a little pink head popped out between the legs of some huffing Lamaze mother-to-be, Malthus (Rhyme with “Pal”-thus) was there lurking in the shadows, “I warned you. Didn’t I warn you?”
ALEX: (Correcting; “Mall”-thus)
Mathus
EVELYN: I thought it was. Really? Hunh. Anyway, he was thereㅡHoney, are you sure? Mall-thus?
ALEX: Uh-hunh.
EVELYN: Thoooomas Maaaaullthus. Sounds, like, likeㅡ
ALEX: (overlap)
ㅡsounds like Mummy didn’t care much for the little economist.
EVELYN: Six billion people, can you imagine? Our planet, this planet, now has a population of six billion. I mean, it was the inductrual revolutions, now, wasn’t it? You know, if you drew a graph, okay, here.
(Demonsrtates with bread sticks, lining up several horizontally.)
The world population line was hovering comfortably under a billion for centuries, from the birth of Christ right up to what seems like…. last Tuesday. Then in some flush of fertility like we’ve never seen…
(She turns another breadstick vertical.)
…the industrual revolutuon, advances in medicine, the dawn of techno-technology people going at it like dogs in a landscape of hump-able legs, the line is all of a sudden this… this NASA projectile.
ALEX: (overlap)
You have to ask, what is our capacity?
EVELYN: And let me put this in perspective for you. Are you ready for this? Should I put this in perspective for you?
ALEX: By all means.
EVELYN: There are 247 births per minute and 99 deaths. That’s an increase of 148 people minute. That’s a quarter of a million per day.
ALEX: You have done your homework.
EVELYN: That’s a city the size of Toledo added to the planet everyday.
ALEX: And what planet needs another Toledo?
EVELYN: (She thrust a breadstick at him.)
Here. Take a bite of this.
ALEX: Evelyn.
EVELYN: Take a bite, take a bite.
(He does. She checks her watch.)
Chew it up. Go on, chew it up. Swallow when ready.
(He chews. She waits. He finally swallows.)
There. Seventy-three people were added to the planet.
ALEX: With a little water I could have gotten it under sixty.
EVELYN: And if you had eaten an entire bread stick, over two hundred.
(Alex stares at her.)
What?
ALEX: Well, I was just thinkingㅡit’s not just the numbers, is it? It’s the effect of the numbers.
EVELYN: Oh yes.
ALEX: I’m sure that Thoooomas Maaauuuulthus was not cognizant of the effect of his ever-so-accurate prediction of geometric progression of the species. How could he know? And I don’t just mean the obvious termination of resources, or the inevitability of our planet’s immune system curing itself with some insidious eyeball-eating airborne virulence, or the devaluing of the individual life.