WhoSpunIt?
A Radio Play of Mystery in One Act
CHARACTERS
TRISTAN Owner of TrisTunes record store
CHLOE Store clerk at TrisTunes
RASHIDA Assistant buyer at TristTunes
PRESTO Retired magician and customer
BRADY Audiophile and customer
(MUSIC: JAZZ MUSIC ON A VINYL RECORD THAT SLIGHTLY POPS AND CRACKLES…AND FADE BEHIND…)
TRISTAN: What are you doing? Chloe, stop. You’re getting fingerprints all over the Tristan’s Ultimate Vibes display case.
CHLOE: Ugh. Can’t you just say Ultimate Vibes? Do you have to say your own name in front of it: Tristan’s Ultimate Vibes?
TRISTAN: People don’t come here to see a wall with a glass case of old records. They come to TrisTunes to gaze upon Tristan’s Ultimate Vibes: vintage, museum-quality vinyl records curated by me, Tristan. They come to see me, Tristan, the marvel who created the most magnificent new and used record store east of the Pacific and west of the Atlantic. People don’t just come to TrisTunes to buy new and used vinyl records. They come for Tristan.
CHLOE: That’s usually why they leave too.
TRISTAN: Why do you want inside the Tristan’s Ultimate Vibes display case anyway?
CHLOE: You told me to sort all the records.
TRISTAN: The records in Tristan’s Ultimate Vibes are part of my personal collection.
CHLOE: Got it. (PAUSE) Are you going to open the glass case?
TRISTAN: No! I’m not opening Tristan’s Ultimate Vibes.
CHLOE: (GETTING ANGRY) How am I supposed to sort ALL the records?
TRISTAN: You don’t need to sort ALL the records. You just need to sort the records that are for sale.
CHLOE: How am I supposed to know which ones are for sale?
TRISTAN: Price tags are a clue.
CHLOE: Then you should be more specific when bossing.
(SFX: SHUFFLING OF RECORDS)
TRISTAN: These records are completely out of order.
CHLOE: How can you tell?
TRISTAN: How can I tell? I know the alphabet. These are in worse order now than when you started.
(SFX: SHUFFLING OF RECORDS)
CHLOE: What are you talking about? They’re perfect.
TRISTAN: How? Tell me how these records are sorted.
CHLOE: Obviously, they’re sorted by color. Roy G. Biv in the house!
TRISTAN: That’s not how music is sorted!
CHLOE: Ugh, you’re so conventional.
TRISTAN: How will customers find what they want?
CHLOE: Look, say I want the Beatles’ White Album. Here it is with the white-colored LPs. Jay-Z’s The Black Album, right here with the black ones. Weezer’s the Blue Album, the Green Album, the Red Album—
TRISTAN: Start over! Put them in alphabetical order. Alphabetical!
CHLOE: You are such a micromanager.
TRISTAN: Never mind. Stop. Stop sorting. Just stop. Instead, set up chairs for the Charlie Russell All My Grief on Depeyster Street listening party.
CHLOE: Fancy. How much does that record cost?
TRISTAN: It’s not for sale. It’s going in Tristan’s Ultimate
Vibes.
CHLOE: Perfect. All jazz music should be locked up.
TRISTAN: Just set up the chairs!
CHLOE: Where are they?!
TRISTAN: Through the beaded curtain doorway in the backroom!
CHLOE: Sheesh!
TRISTAN: Sheesh!!
CHLOE: Sheesh!!!
(SFX: BEADED CURTAIN DOORWAY)
CHLOE: Hey, Rashida.
RASHIDA: S’up, Chloe? What brings you to the backroom?
CHLOE: Tristan sent me to get chairs for the All My Grief on Depeche Mode Street listening party.
RASHIDA: What, no. It’s called All My Grief on Depeyster Street. It’s a very rare, vintage, valuable jazz vinyl.
CHLOE: I want to be the assistant buyer. All you do all day is drive around and collect records from dead people.
RASHIDA: There’s more to it than that.
CHLOE: Like what?
RASHIDA: I bring them back here–
CHLOE: The dead people?
RASHIDA: The records.
CHLOE: What do you do with the dead people?
RASHIDA: Nothing.
CHLOE: You just leave them?
RASHIDA: Tristan tracks obituaries and funeral home postings so he knows who to contact.
CHLOE: Like a séance.
RASHIDA: No. Just forget that part. I bring the records back here, itemize them, and give Tristan a list of current resale prices.
CHLOE: It beats working the floor.
RASHIDA: The folding chairs are in the other corner. What are you doing?
(SFX: POWER CABLE BEING UNPLUGGED FROM OUTLET)
Why’d you unplug the Wi-Fi?
CHLOE: (LOUDLY) Tristan! Wi-Fi is down! (TO RASHIDA) The Wi-Fi is down, Rashida. Since you can’t do your work, you may as well help me set up chairs.
RASHIDA: Come on. Plug it back in.
CHLOE: Help me set up first.
RASHIDA: Fine.
(SFX: FOLDING CHAIRS BEING COLLECTED)
That’s too many, Chloe. You can’t carry all those chairs.
CHLOE: Work hardly not smarter.
(SFX: CRASH OF FOLDING CHAIRS AND VINYL RECORDS)
RASHIDA: Holy crapoly, Chloe! Look at the mess you made. Chairs and vinyl records are literally everywhere.
CHLOE: Quick! You get the chairs while I sort these records by color!
RASHIDA: Holy crapoly, Chloe! All My Grief on Depeyster Street is on the floor too and it slid out of its jacket. You better hope it’s OK.
(SFX: RECORDS BEING STACKED)
CHLOE: Is it valuable?
RASHIDA: Are you kidding? It’s the most expensive vinyl I’ve ever priced. Tristan is making it the centerpiece of Tristan’s Ultimate Vibes.
(SFX: SLIDING VINYL RECORD FROM SLEEVE)
RASHIDA: You’re in luck. It looks OK.
(SFX: PAPERS SHUFFLING)
CHLOE: What’s this?
RASHIDA: It’s a catalog of records that came in with All My Grief on Depeyster Street.
CHLOE: Their collection was valued at nearly forty k!
RASHIDA: Gimme that!
(SFX: PAPERS SNATCHED FROM HAND)
That’s only for the eyes of the assistant buyer and the owner.
CHLOE: Whoa, whoa, whoa.
(SFX: PAPER PULLED FROM ENVELOPE)
Here’s a copy of the receipt that you paid the seller. It’s only for seven hundred dollars.
RASHIDA: Yeah, so?
CHLOE: Their collection was worth forty thousand, and Tristan only paid seven hundred?
RASHIDA: Most of that forty was Charlie Russell’s All My Grief on Depeyster Street. There were a few other nice ones in there, but none were a true collectible like that. All My Grief on Depeyster Street is Tristan’s Ultimate Vibes museum material.
CHLOE: TrisTunes is ripping off the descendants of record collectors?
RASHIDA: That’s on the sellers for not doing their own research. Tristan has a business to run, and his goal like any good business owner, is to earn.
CHLOE: I knew Tristan was the Devil’s minion.
RASHIDA: Do you think that someone applies for that job or–
CHLOE: Ripping off customers and not cutting me in? We’ll see about that!
RASHIDA: Wait. Take the chairs.
(SFX: BEADED CURTAIN DOORWAY)
TRISTAN: I see that you’re admiring Tristan’s Ultimate Vibes.
PRESTO: Yes, yes, yes. Very much. What?
TRISTAN: TrisTunes is more than a record exchange, see? It’s part museum. What you’ve been admiring for the past five minutes is Tristan’s Ultimate Vibes.
PRETSO: Those records are very, very old.
CHLOE: If that was the only qualification, we’d put you in there with ‘em.
TRISTAN: Chloe! Where did you come from?
CHLOE: We think the backseat of my mom’s Camaro.
TRISTAN: Can’t you see I’m with a customer?
CHLOE: I was going to say it can’t wait, but this guy seriously might not be able to wait.
TRISTAN: Have you installed the new stylus on the turntable for the listening party?
CHLOE: What?
TRISTAN: The stylus.
CHLOE: Yeah?
TRISTAN: You’ve installed it?
CHLOE: I have?
TRISTAN: You have?
CHLOE: I have what?
TRISTAN: Installed the new stylus.
CHLOE: I have installed the new stylus?
TRISTAN: Why are you saying it like that?
CHLOE: I didn’t say “it.”
TRISTAN: You didn’t say what?
CHRLOE: I think I did say “what.”
TRISTAN: Say “what?”
CHLOE: Say what?
TRISTAN: Put a new stylus on the turntable!
CHLOE: I already did!
TRISTAN: Do it again.
CHLOE: Say whaaaaat?
TRISTAN: They’re in the backroom.
CHLOE: Sheesh!
TRISTAN: Sheesh!!
CHLOE: Sheesh!!!
(SFX: BEADED CURTAIN DOORWAY)
TRISTAN: I’m terribly sorry, sir.
PRESTO: Oh, it’s OK.
TRISTAN: Where were we? Right, you wanted a picture of Tristan’s Ultimate Vibes.
PRETSO: Who’s Tristan?
TRISTAN: That’s me.
PRESTO: Impressive! So, these are your Ultimate Vibes?
TRISTAN: That’s correct, Mr.…
PRESTO: Presto.
TRISTAN: Mr. Presto. Presto? That’s different.
PRESTO: I used to be a magician.
TRISTAN: Step over here. Tristan’s Ultimate Vibes is a small museum of some of the most valuable vinyl records still in existence.
PRESTO: How do you listen to them if they’re framed behind glass?
TRISTAN: These records aren’t for listening. No, no, no. They’re for admiring. People travel from all over the continent to gaze upon these antiques. I could charge an entrance fee, but my magnanimity forbids it. I’m ready for the picture now.
PRESTO: Oh, I thought you were giving me a picture of Tristan’s Ultimate Vibes.
TRISTAN: We have to take the picture.
PRETO: Oh, where should I stand?
TRISTAN: The customer usually stands across from Tristan’s Ultimate Vibes while I stand in front of it. That way you get the best picture of me with Tristan’s Ultimate Vibes. Let’s do that.
PRESTO: OK.
TRISTAN: Good. I’m ready when you are.
PRESTO: I, I don’t have a camera.
TRISTAN: Use your phone.
PRETSO: I don’t have a phone.
TRISTAN: Then how are we going to get the picture?
PRESTO: Do you have a phone?
TRISTAN: Great idea, Presto. Here you go.
PRESTO: OK. Right there. Perfect.
(SFX: PHONE CAMERA KA-CHICK)
TRISTAN: Thanks.
PRESTO: Here’s your phone back.
TRISTAN: Looks great. Thanks.
PRESTO: I’ve never taken a picture on a phone before.
TRISTAN: It’s a great time to be alive.
PRESTO: It’s never a great time to be dead.
(SFX: SECRET DOOR OPENING AND CLOSING).
TRISTAN: Hey, Brady. I knew you wouldn’t miss a listening party.
BRADY: Especially Charlie Russell’s All My Grief on Depeyster Street.
PRESTO: Oh, are you a Charlie Russell enthusiast?
TRISTAN: This is Presto. He’s a big fan of TrisTunes and me.
BRADY: Hi, Presto. I’m Brady.
TRISTAN: Brady is an audiophile.
PRESTO: And you allow him in here?
TRISTAN: AUDIOphile. He loves the vinyl listening experience.
PRESTO: What is your favorite kind of music?
BRADY: I listen exclusively to ABC.
PRESTO: What’s ABC?
BRADY: Anything But Country.
TRISTAN: What about you, Presto? Are you a Charlie Russell fan?
PRESTO: Indeed. Very much.
TRISTAN: Presto is a magician.
PRESTO: Former magician.
BRADY: With a name like that…
PRESTO: The full name of my act was Presto the Invisible Maker.
BRADY: Really?
TRISTAN: That’s a pretty terrible stage name.
PRESTO: That’s about how it went. I was a fantastic magician. I just lacked, you know, the stage presence… Showmanship.
BRADY: Where’d you perform?
PRESTO: All over. That’s why I’m here today. It was near the beginning of my career but near the end of Charlie Russell’s that we toured together.
BRADY: Get outta here.
PRESTO: City to city in a touring variety show. People weren’t as interested in jazz around that time as they used to be, but they were always interested in watching Charlie Russell perform.
TRISTAN: TrisTunes attracts famous clientele!
PRESTO: Three hundred shows in 365 days. I never knew what was going to go over well from one city to the next. Something that killed a week ago could be a dud the next. The house would only be half full when I went on and usually less than that when I ended. I think they kept me on because I was cheaper than other magicians and that was important because Charlie Russell still demanded big bucks. The venue always filled up over the next four or five acts and by the time he hit the stage, it was standing room only.
BRADY: That reminds me of a time when I was in the market for a rare folk concert bootleg recording on vinyl. I had just started dating a sweet girl named Shirley who knew absolutely nothing about folk music, vinyl recordings, or pure maple-syrup production–
(SFX: RUFFLING STACK OF STICKERS)
TRISTAN: Have you seen the stickers that I had specially made for this event?
PRESTO: No, may I see one?
TRISTAN: Check it out. It’s an exact replica of the label on the All My Grief on Depeyster Street LP.
PRESTO: That’s neat.
TRISTAN: Would you like to buy one?
PRESTO: A sticker? I’m not a child.
BRADY: How much are they?
TRISTAN: Ten dollars.
BRADY: Ten bucks?! Are you crazy? I will say though that it’s an interesting color scheme. At that time most labels were red on black, or red on gray, or black on red, or gray on black. This red on blue was a departure from the norm and increases the value of the vinyl despite the text being nearly illegible because of–
TRISTAN: Illegible? What are you talking about?
BRADY: Forget the stickers, Tristan, and let’s get down to it. How much do you want for All My Grief on Depeyster Street?
TRISTAN: It’s not for sale. It’s part of my personal collection and going on display in Tristan’s Ultimate Vibes.
BRADY: It’s not in there yet. Just give me the number.
TRISTAN: Sixty grand.
BRADY: Outrageous!
TRISTAN: It’s worth forty now. That number goes up a quarter as soon as I add it to Tristan’s Ultimate Vibes which, you know, has its own Wikipedia page. Then an extra ten thousand for my troubles.
PRESTO: That much for a record? I still have my old magic hat, if either of you…
BRADY: Be reasonable, Tristan. I’m willing to pay fair price, fair, for this or anything else from Tristan’s Ultimate Vibes.
TRISTAN: He always does this.
PRESTO: What does he always do?
BRADY: What do I always do?
TRISTAN: You always try to be me. You can’t be me. I’m me. I’m Tristan!
BRADY: I don’t want to be you.
TRISTAN: You’ve tried to buy every piece in Tristan’s Ultimate Vibes. You want to buy the whole store. You already walk around like you own it. You tell everyone you meet that you know me. Look, he even dresses like me.
PRESTO: Both of you are wearing a flat cap.
TRISTAN: I wore it first.
BRADY: You started wearing a flat cap after you met me.
TRISTAN: No, you started wearing one after you started coming here and decided being me was much cooler than being you.
BRADY: I wore it first.
TRISTAN: Chloe! Chloe, get over here.
CHLOE: What?
TRISTAN: Which one of us wore a flat cap first?
CHLOE: It doesn’t matter who wore it first. The important thing is both of you look stupid.
TRISTAN: Have you set the chairs up yet?
CHLOE: Yawp, I’ve set up chairs.
TRISTAN: I only see two.
CHLOE: Two what?
TRISTAN: Chairs!
CHLOE: I’ve set up chairs. You’re welcome.
TRISTAN: All the chairs!
CHLOE: All the chairs?
TRISTAN: We’re going to the backroom right now!
CHLOE: Sheesh!
TRISTAN: Sheesh!!
CHLOE: Sheesh!!!
(SFX: BEADED CURTAIN DOORWAY x2)
RASHIDA: Hey, Chloe. Hey, boss. The Wi-Fi is out.
TRISTAN: I can’t deal with that right now, Rashida. See those chairs, Chloe, right there? Set all of them up out there near the turntable.
(sfx: BEADED CURTAIN DOORWAY)
RASHIDA: Hey, Brady. Welcome to the backroom.
TRISTAN: Brady, you can’t be back here. Employees only.
BRADY: Chloe’s back here.
TRISTAN: She works here. Oh, I get your point.
BRADY: Where’s All My Grief on Depeyster Street? Let me get a little look.
RASHIDA: It’s right here.
TRISTAN: Rashida! Don’t show it to him yet.
(SFX: BEADED CURTAIN DOORWAY)
RASHIDA: Hey, stranger. Welcome to the backroom.
TRISTAN: That’s Presto. Presto, what are you doing back here?
PRESTO: I thought this was the restroom.
CHLOE: Are your retinas detached? Does this look like a restroom?
RASHIDA: The restroom is back through the curtain and–
PRESTO: Is that it there? Is that All My Grief on Depeyster Street?
BRADY: Where?
PRESTO: On that stand. Right there. It grabs the eye.
TRISTAN: Yes. Beautiful, isn’t it?
BRADY: Oh, yes. The jacket is in better condition than I could ever have imagined. Minimal wear along the edges. The corners are perfectly intact. Look how clear the photograph of the house is on the cover - no discernible yellowing. I bet it sounds glorious. The mastering engineer for this particular piece–
PRESTO: I recognize that building.
CHLOE: What?
TRISTAN: Presto toured with Charlie Russell.
RASHIDA: Far out.
PRESTO: That’s Charlie Russell’s apartment on the cover. He lived downstairs in that brown house. It extends farther back, but you can’t tell. I don’t know, maybe two, three, four more units. Let me show you where–
(SFX: HANDLING OF VINYL RECORD JACKET)
TRISTAN: Don’t touch it!
RASHIDA: Here. Use these white gloves.
PRESTO: My apologies.
(SFX: GLOVES BEING PULLED ON)
This little gravel lot here goes right up to Depeyster Street.
BRADY: I gotta have it, Tristan. You gotta sell it to me. Rashida, what did he pay for it?
RASHIDA: That’s confidential.
TRISTAN: See! See how Brady pretends it’s his store?
(SFX: VINYL RECORD REMOVED FROM ITS SLEEVE)
PRESTO: I don’t know much about these vinyl records, but this one seems bigger than most.
BRADY: That’s a standard twelve-inch, thirty-three and a third RPM vinyl.
CHLOE: I think Presto’s right.
PRESTO: Is that your large purse there, Chloe?
CHLOE: That body bag? No, it’s Rashida’s.
RASHIDA: You wanna be the assistant buyer? You need a large bag to tote records around.
PRESTO: Let’s compare All My Grief on Depeyster Street to one of those records you’ve got in your purse.
RASHIDA: It’s not a purse. It’s a tote bag that I drop my wallet in, but yeah, whatever, here you go.
(SFX: VINYL RECORD REMOVED FROM CANVAS BAG)
BRADY: I’m telling you: It’s the same. Disc records became popular in the nineteen-tens with the seventy-eight which was usually ten- or twelve-inches. The long-play was introduced–
RASHIDA: They look the same, Presto.
PRESTO: Nothing is proven by rushing to conclusions.
TRISTAN: What if it is different? How much does that increase its value, Rashida?
BRADY: It has to be the same.
PRESTO: Appearances are often misleading. This side looks to be the same.
BRADY: Of course, it does.
PRESTO: Let’s check the other side.
TRISTAN: You can check the other side if you want…
PRESTO: I’ll flip it.
RASHIDA: It looks–
PRESTO: Versus this side.
TRISTAN: I’m trying to—
PRESTO: Or this side.
BRADY: You keep flipping it!
PRESTO: I’m ascertaining if it’s the same or not.
CHLOE: Can sides even be different sizes?
PRESTO: This side…
TRISTAN: How can we tell if you keep flipping it back and forth?
PRESTO: Or this side…
BRADY: Stop flipping it!
PRESTO: If only we could see both sides at the same time.
TRISTAN: Please be careful.
RASHIDA: They’re the same.
CHLOE: Yawp.
BRADY: I told you.
PRESTO: Yes. You were right. I feel stupid.
TRISTAN: (SARCASTICALLY) Nah, who doesn’t sometimes think the sides of a two-dimensional object are different sizes?
RASHIDA: That was exciting!
BRADY: Time for the listening party to begin!
TRISTAN: Shut up. It’s not your store.
RASHIDA: (WHISPERING) It’s time for the listening party to begin, boss.
TRISTAN: (ANNOUNCING) It’s time for the All My Grief on Depeyster Street listening party to begin. Let’s go out to the main floor.
CHLOE: Everyone take a chair.
(SFX: FOLDING CHAIRS BEING REMOVED)
(SFX: BEADED CURTAIN DOORWAY x3)
BRADY: They were in a rush to get out of here. Let me get a chair for you.
PRESTO: I got a text message and won’t be able to stay.
BRADY: I get it. You’re embarrassed… about the size thing. That doesn’t mean you got to leave. Don’t you want to hear Charlie Russell?
PRESTO: I do, I did, maybe this was a bad idea.
BRADY: The sound system at TrisTunes is perfectly calibrated to enhance the auditory quality of each vinyl. At my advisement, Tristan uses only the finest diamond tip stylus that reaches deeper into the grooves of records to provide–
PRESTO: I’ll stay. I’ll stay! OK! Yes. I’m staying.
(SFX: FOLDING CHAIRS BEING REMOVED)
BRADY: I’ve got your chair. Let’s go!
(SFX: BEADED CURTAIN DOORWAY x2)
TRISTAN: Welcome jazz lovers and audiophile purists to the Charlie Russell All My Grief on Depeyster Street listening experience.
(SFX: LIGHT APPLAUSE)
I’ve recently learned some interesting facts about the album cover. (PAUSE) Where is the album? Who has it?
RASHIDA: We left it in the backroom. I’ll get it.
(SFX: CHAIR SLIDING ON GROUND)
TRISTAN: While Rashida grabs the record, I’ll tell you about Charlie Russell. He was born in New Orleans. Even though his family moved to Atlanta at a very young age, he was already infected with the jazz bug.
CHLOE: He should have quarantined.
TRISTAN: After a stop in Ohio to make some extra cash and build a reputation in the North, he went on to New York City. Jazz had come a long way from its roots of blues and ragtime. It moved from brass band to swing big band and then into smooth jazz. Charlie wasn’t having it and became the vanguard of hard bop.
CHLOE: Listening to you talk about jazz is literally worse than listening to jazz.
RASHIDA: Here’s the record.
TRISTAN: Great. Set it up on the turntable.
BRADY: Be careful to adjust the anti-skate of the tone arm for the–
TRISTAN: TrisTunes continues to attract the finest celebrities! A legendary magician named Presto who toured with Charlie Russell has joined us for this very special occasion.
(SFX: LIGHT APPLAUSE)
BRADY: Instead of money, would you be interested in bartering for Tristan’s Ultimate Vibes? I have an array of coupon books with significant savings–
TRISTAN: Shut up. Shut up. OK. All right. I present to you Charlie Russell’s All My Grief on Depeyster Street.
(SFX: AUTOMATIC TURNTABLE ACTIVATION)
(SFX: NEEDLE DROPS ON RECORD)
(SFX: HISS AND POPS OF OLD RECORD)
(MUSIC: AN UPBEAT, HAPPY CHILDREN’S SONG THAT SLIGHTLY POPS AND CRACKLES UNDER THE FOLLOWING)
CHLOE: Is it just me or does it feel like we’re sitting in circle time?
RASHIDA: Ooo, we should have snack and get out nap mats.
BRADY: That record sounds really, really off. Did you forget to adjust the anti-skate of the tone arm?
PRESTO: That’s not Charlie Russell.
BRADY: Oh! It’s not Charlie Russell. Tristan, that’s not Charlie Russell.
TRISTAN: I know it’s not Charlie Russell!
(SFX: NEEDLE PULLED FROM VINYL RECORD)
(MUSIC: OUT)
(SFX: VINYL RECORD REMOVED FROM SPINDLE)
TRISTAN: What the… Hold up… The B-side is different. It’s not… It’s a completely different label…
BRADY: A misprinted LP! That’s a bummer it’s not Charlie Russell, but it still has some value.
CHLOE: If I was assistant buyer, I’d listen to all the records before paying out. Just sayin’.
RASHIDA: I listened to the record. So did Tristan.
BRADY: There have been a number of vinyl records with misprinted labels. Very few occurred during this particular era. Later, when mass production became necessary to keep up with demand–
TRISTAN: I demand you shut up. It’s not a misprint. Look. Someone put one of the stickers we’re selling on one side of the record.
PRESTO: I don’t understand.
TRISTAN: Someone here is a thief. Someone swapped out All My Grief for this children’s record and used it as a placeholder.
BRADY: How?
CHLOE: We all just saw it in the backroom.
TRISTAN: And then Rashida went to get it.
RASHIDA: And I brought it out here and handed it to you.
BRADY: Except maybe you didn’t hand him the actual album.
TRISTAN: That’s what I’m thinking.
RASHIDA: I handed you the record. You have the jacket and sleeve for it right there.
CHLOE: Yeah, but that doesn’t mean you didn’t switch it out. See, I’d be a better assistant buyer because I wouldn’t steal.
TRISTAN: Thanks. I’ll add that to my list of interview questions: “Do you steal?”
RASHIDA: I didn’t take it. Why would I wait until now? Should we tell them what you actually paid for that Charlie Russell record?
TRISTAN: I’d rather talk about what it’s valued at. You know, the amount you stole from me.
BRADY: I’d like to know how much he paid for it.
TRISTAN: Stop trying to be me!
RASHIDA: Five-hundred.
BRADY: Five-hundred… dollars?
RASHIDA: No, five-hundred cryptos. Yeah, dollars.
BRADY: American dollars?
PRESTO: Canadian dollars are worth even less.
RASHIDA: Tristan rips off the sellers. He takes advantage of widows and their family every chance he gets. He makes them believe that they’re getting the best deal when they’re getting the worst.
TRISTAN: Nobody cares about that right now. Where’s the record, Rashida?
RASHIDA: I didn’t take it. Check the security cameras.
BRADY: I didn’t know you installed security cameras.
TRISTAN: Great idea. I’ll do that. I can view the footage right here on my phone.
(SFX: FINGERS TAPPING ON PHONE)
BRADY: Where are the cameras?
TRISTAN: Oh, just freakin’ great. The Wi-Fi is down.
CHLOE: Uh-oh.
BRADY: Switch to your network provider.
RASHIDA: It won’t matter.
TRISTAN: Nope. The security cameras run over Wi-Fi, so if the Wi-Fi is down, we don’t have footage of the theft.
CHLOE: I’ll go to the backroom and reset it.
RASHIDA: I think you mean “plug it back in,” don’t ya, Chloe, since you’re the one who turned it off in the first place?
CHLOE: What? Wi-Fi down? Unplugged? Me? What?
TRISTAN: Did you unplug the Wi-Fi, Chloe?
CHLOE: Nooooo.
RASHIDA: Log in and look, Tristan. The security cameras will work right up until she disconnected the Wi-Fi.
PRESTO: It sounds like if you disconnected the Wi-Fi, Chloe, you should admit it.
CHLOE: OK, I unplugged the Wi-Fi, but I only did it out of boredom.
TRISTAN: Just great. Did you take All My Grief on Depeyster Street out of boredom too?
CHLOE: Yeah, a jazz record. That’s exactly what I’d take to cure boredom. (SIGHS) Isn’t it obvious? Brady has it.
BRADY: Why me?
CHLOE: You’ve been bugging Tristan all day to sell that sleeping pill to you.
TRISTAN: So, that’s how it is now, Brady? You’re just blatantly stealing from me.
BRADY: That doesn’t make any sense. As a collector, I wouldn’t want the vinyl without its jacket.
TRISTAN: That would have been your next caper, I’m sure.
BRADY: We all saw the album in the backroom, together. The only person who was alone with it after that was Rashida.
PRESTO: She does use an enormous tote bag as a purse.
BRADY: Purse? That’s luggage.
CHLOE: Too big to carry on.
TRISTAN: You need to check that thing at the counter.
RASHIDA: You want to search my bag? Is that want you want? Really? Fine! I’ll dump it all on the floor for you!
(SFX: VARIOUS ITEMS DUMPED FROM BAG)
PRESTO: That is a lot of ChapStick.
(SFX: SIFTING THROUGH VARIOUS ITEMS)
CHLOE: And so many packets of ranch dressing.
BRADY: So much ranch.
PRESTO: All My Grief isn’t here.
BRADY: Hold up.
(SFX: SIFTING THROUGH VARIOUS ITEMS)
CHLOE: There’s two albums there.
RASHIDA: Two?
TRISTAN: I’ll bet one is a children’s record.
(SFX: HANDS ON A RECORD JACKET)
BRADY: This one right here is.
CHLOE: Pull the record out.
(SFX: VINYL RECORD REMOVED FROM SLEEVE)
TRISTAN: Found it!
RASHIDA: What?
PRESTO: But is that really it?
BRADY: Put it on.
TRISTAN: OK.
(SFX: AUTOMATIC TURNTABLE ACTIVATION)
(SFX: NEEDLE DROPS ON RECORD)
(SFX: MINOR HISS AND POPS OF OLD RECORD)
(MUSIC: JAZZ MUSIC ON A VINYL RECORD THAT SLIGHTLY POPS AND CRACKLES UNDER THE FOLLOWING)
PRESTO: Now that’s Charlie Russell.
CHLOE: Looks like the assistant buyer just bought herself some jailtime.
RASHIDA: Holy crapoly, Chloe! That’s not mine. I didn’t do that.
TRISTAN: I’m calling the police.
RASHIDA: Don’t.
TRISTAN: I’m calling the police.
(SFX: 9-1-1 BEING DIALED)
BRADY: Are you hearing the incredible depth of richness to this recording?
PRESTO: It brings me back.
BRADY: The bass clarity is unreal.
RASHIDA: Guys, I didn’t put that in there.
BRADY: I wouldn’t blame you if you did.
TRISTAN: But I would. The police are on their way.
BRADY: Let’s get videos of it spinning while we wait.
CHLOE: You and you’re stupid spinner videos.
BRADY: My followers dig those posts the most.
CHLOE: Presto should get the first one then.
BRADY: Yes! He’s the one who knew Charlie Russell!
CHLOE: That and he might not survive past the A side.
PRESTO: I don’t understand.
BRADY: Give me your phone, and I’ll do it for you. I know how to make the best spinner vids.
TRISTAN: Presto doesn’t have a phone.
PRESTO: That’s correct.
CHLOE: Isn’t it, like, a law that you have to carry a phone?
PRESTO: I don’t own one.
TRISTAN: Pull the needle from the record, Chloe.
(SFX: NEEDLE LIFTED FROM RECORD)
(MUSIC: OUT)
BRADY: Didn’t you tell me that you got a text message, Presto?
PRESTO: No. Yes, I do have one.
TRISTAN: You have a phone?
PRESTO: No, I have a text message.
CHLOE: How did you get it?
PRESTO: It was… uh, handed to me… on a, um, piece of paper.
RASHIDA: What are you talking about?
TRISTAN: Brady, he told you that he got a text message?
BRADY: Yes.
TRISTAN: Show us your phone, Presto.
PRESTO: I can’t.
CHLOE: Did you make it disappear?
BRADY: He said that he got a message and had to leave right away.
TRISTAN: Why did you have to leave right away, Presto?
PRESTO: I had to… my rabbits, you see… I still have my magic rabbits, and, ah… my rabbit-sitter ran out of lettuce… so I have to rush and get more. In fact, they’re probably starving! Please excuse me!
RASHIDA: No, you don’t.
TRISTAN: How did you do it, Presto?
BRADY: Ahhh, Presto stole All My Grief on Depeyster Street.
PRESTO: I didn’t take the record.
RASHIDA: Come on, Presto. Don’t do me like this.
PRESTO: A magician never reveals his secrets.
CHLOE: How are you at escaping handcuffs?
PRESTO: (LARGE SIGH) I did when I was checking the size of the record.
RASHIDA: Dang. You are a good magician.
BRADY: You switched it then? That’s amazing.
CHLOE: I knew it.
PRESTO: You didn’t have a clue.
CHLOE: I didn’t.
RASHIDA: How did you get it in my bag?
BRADY: How were you going to get it out?
PRESTO: I was going to buy the children’s record with the Charlie Russell record tucked inside it. When I couldn’t make that work, I stashed it until I could bump into Rashida when she left the store.
RASHIDA: You were going to pickpocket a twelve-inch vinyl from me?
PRESTO: It’s really not much different from making a plate disappear.
TRISTAN: You’re scum, Presto.
PRESTO: You’re the scum.
TRISTAN: I’m not a thief.
PRESTO: Yes, you are. You steal through dishonesty.
TRISTAN: You steal by actually taking things.
PRESTO: When my wife died, I sold her small record collection to TrisTunes, to you. You had me believe that it wasn’t worth much, but today I saw one of her pieces featured in Tristan’s Ultimate Vibes.
TRISTAN: There’s overhead, risk. I don’t even charge a fee for the museum.
BRADY: How many people have you ripped off?
PRESTO: You may as well not have paid the seller of All My Grief on Depeyster Street anything. You gave that widow five-hundred dollars for something worth fifty times that. You’re the thief. I was just trying to get back something that I’d lost, a piece of me that’s been lost, a piece that’s been taken.
RASHIDA: Awwwww.
TRISTAN: It’s a cute story, Presto. I look forward to hearing you tell it to the police.
CHLOE: Except he won’t be here when they show up.
RASHIDA: That’s right. He’s leaving right now through the backdoor in the backroom.
BRADY: It would have been an honor, but I never met the great magician Presto the Invisible Maker.
TRISTAN: What are you saying? What are you guys doing?
CHLOE: If only there was video footage showing what really happened.
TRISTAN: We don’t need footage. We know what happened.
RASHIDA: Here Presto, take All My Grief on Depeyster Street with you.
BRADY: Don’t forget the proper sleeve, too.
(SFX: HANDS ON A RECORD JACKET AND SLEEVE)
PRESTO: Thank you.
TRISTAN: Are you nuts? That broken down magician isn’t walking out of here with a vinyl worth thousands.
BRADY: I guess that depends.
TRISTAN: Depends on what?
BRADY: How much your reputation is worth.
RASHIDA: Brady has a lot of loyal followers on social media.
BRADY: And Rashida has the TrisTunes’ purchase receipts.
RASHIDA: What if Brady posted those?
BRADY: All of them.
CHLOE: Hashtag: Never Trust TrisTunes.
BRADY: No one would ever do business with you again.
RASHIDA: Watch out!
TRISTAN: Gimme that record!
(SFX: SCUFFLE UNDER…)
RASHIDA: Grab him, Brady! Hold him down!
CHLOE: Beat him with your flat cap!
(SFX: FOLDING CHAIRS BEING KNOCKED OVER)
CHLOE: Stand back, Presto!
RASHIDA: Watch out for my ranch dressing!
(SFX: PACKETS OF RANCH DRESSING BREAKING AND SQUIRTING)
CHLOE: It’s like Jell-O wrestling but with ranch.
RASHIDA: Ohhhhh.
BRADY: I got him. I got him.
(SFX: SCUFFLE ENDS)
TRISTAN: (BREATHING HEAVILY) Why are you doing this?
BRADY: (BREATHING HEAVILY) Consider it penance.
PRESTO: (CLEARS THROAT AND ASSUMES STAGE PERSONA) Ladies and gentlemen, the time has come for my final disappearing act. I may have been the magician this evening, but you are the ones who have provided tonight’s magic. Zephyr! Zing! Zang!
(SFX: BEADED CURTAIN DOORWAY)
RASHIDA: Oh, that’s it?
BRADY: He just walked through the beaded curtain doorway…
(SFX: STEEL DOOR SLAMMED CLOSED)
RASHIDA: And out the backdoor.
CHLOE: Tah-dah!
(MUSIC: AN UPBEAT, HAPPY CHILDREN’S SONG THAT SLIGHTLY POPS AND CRACKLES AND FADE)
END
Christopher Cleary is a former metropolitan Atlanta area English teacher who holds a Bachelor of Fine Arts in acting and a master’s degree in project management. His stage plays have been produced in various theaters and published by The Playwrights Publishing Company (UK), while his young adult novel was released by Immortality Press (2007). Cleary’s short stories have recently appeared in Better Than Starbucks, Caæsura, and Mystery Tribune.